Thie article is interesting to read. I can relate more to people in age group of 40's than 20's and 30's. I learn something new what men in general reallly looking for. Many times ,men that I met were interested in getting information from me - my physical measurement. UGH.... I get rid of them quickly than you can say "good bye". :) It would be nice to marry to someone, but it is harder to meet someone who respects and loves you just for who you are. I am just "browsing" and enjoying my life by traveling and meeting people via sports or places.
What Type of Women Do Men Marry?
By Lynn Harris
Have the standards changed over the generations? Is there really such a thing as the kind of gal he'll marry -- versus the one he'll merely date?
The Marrying Kind
There's the kind of woman you bring home to mom, and there's the kind of woman you bring home to...your bachelor pad. At least that's what they used to say, back in the day.
Actually, they're still saying it, claims John T. Molloy, author of the book Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others (Warner, 2003). In his extensive surveys, he says, "Men divided women into two groups: 'beddable and weddable.' They probably won't marry a girl who sleeps with them on the first date or two."
Molloy says that more than 80 percent of the men polled said (or even bragged) that the women they were going to marry were the kind of women you would be proud to introduce to friends and family -- implying that they're the opposite of the kind of women you'd call "loose." "Men still marry 'good girls,'" says Molloy. "The old-fashioned double standard is alive and well."
Actually, the news isn't all, well, old -- or bad. Here's more of the bigger picture Molloy paints, using data from his polls. He and his researchers interviewed hundreds of women and their fiancés as they left marriage license bureaus, and also used more conventional methods, including phone surveys of more than 1,000 single people. According to Molloy, women who marry:
Aren't necessarily technical virgins, but rather what Molloy calls "situational virgins." This basically means a woman (typically in the 24-34 age range) who is sexually active (after many dates, of course), but doesn't dress like she is when she meets a man's parents.
Get hitched with a little help from their friends. Women with lots of gal pals are more likely to marry than women with lots of male friends. Why? These women feel supported by their female friends in general, so they feel less lonely. Therefore, they feel and act less desperate overall -- particularly in their man-meeting endeavors.
Try to look their best...but they're "goers," not "gooers," Molloy says -- they spend more time painting the town than their face.
Insist on marriage, settling for nothing else. They're less likely to waste their prime time (ages 24-34) in dead-end relationships with Mr. Maybe.
Are accomplished, self-confident, and talented. Yes, Molloy says, men -- self-confident men -- are attracted to successful women. But consider this fact: Self-confident women are less likely to stick with someone who's not going to come through with a marriage proposal, according to Molloy.
What Do We Look For?
If you think about it, it's also the "good" guys -- kind, bring-him-home-to-meet-mom gentlemen -- who get married. But for both the men and women LHJ.com talked to, "good" also means a whole lot more than "chaste."
Some men say "marriageable" means good -- if clean -- fun. "Most women who were 'marriageable' in the classic, Donna Reed sense bored me to tears," says Alexander,* (*Names have been changed) 30, an engineer in New Jersey. "My wife, on the other hand, was really, really fun." In terms of long-term promise, fun isn't frivolous; a couple who doesn't have fun together won't spend much time together.
For both men and women, "good" also means "good and ready."
"There are totally guys you date and guys you marry," says Olivia, 34, a TV producer in Los Angeles. "Guys you date are more 'fantasy' guys -- hot, creative, exciting. Guys you marry have some fantasy elements, but they are also your best friend, preshrunk (as in therapy), grounded, and to-the-bone trustworthy."
Women look for fellas who are "ready" economically and psychologically, two characteristics that seem to be linked. "Until men have career and finances in order, they aren't up for commitment," says Kendra, 30, a Webmaster in Connecticut. "Guys don't feel like men -- like providers -- until they can provide." And those who suggest that they can don't pull the wool over a wise woman's eyes, she adds. "Men 'going through career changes' -- longer than you could blame on the economy -- camped on my couch, raided my refrigerator, and just couldn't settle." It's not about digging for gold; it's about feeling solid on the ground you stand on together.
Women say they need to be ready to settle down, too. "I got married young, when I was more interested in drinking, clubbing, and finding myself than someone else. I was divorced in five years," says Kristen, a teacher in New York. "Now I'm beyond that. I've become a 'good girl' just in time to turn 30 -- now I'm ready for a healthy marriage."
Maybe "beddable/weddable" can have a broader, nicer nuance. Perhaps it's not just about old-fashioned "virtue," but about finding someone who's gotten the early-20s, flighty stuff -- sketchy jobs, soul-searching, and yes, sexual adventure -- out of his or her system, and is ready to, in the most positive sense, settle down.
While older often means wiser, there's no doubt that finding a mate after 40 gets more difficult. Not only is the pool smaller, but what's more, Molloy's data shows that the chance a man will commit, if he hasn't already, drops way off after he hits 43. "Women [who want to marry] must be more proactive, not more passive, once they turn 40," says Molloy.
Proactively social -- and proactively nice. "When we asked men in their 20s if there was one characteristic that attracted them to their fiancées, most mentioned virtue, talent, or accomplishment." says Molloy. "But 62 percent [of men over 40] said they were attracted [to a woman] because she was congenial, agreeable, relaxed, and easy to get along with. Many gave specific examples of their fiancées being nice, either to them or to others."
And a nice woman is also one who is kind to herself, Molloy notes. Women in their 40s know who they are and know what makes them happy. The key to finding someone is not to go man-hunting but to do what they love -- a deeply satisfying job, social commitments, athletic interests, or intellectual pursuits. Molloy says that women who marry after 40 tend to:
Meet partners in a social club or shared-interest group. (Among these women, 64 percent of their dates were setups, but less than 33 percent of marriages came from such meetings.)
Find partners through religion. "Men who attend places of worship are more likely to marry," says Molloy.
Be willing to talk openly about money with their partners.
Oh yes, money. Now that they've made their own nest egg, it's important that women discuss that aspect of sharing the roost.
Married: At a Price?
You're probably more ready for marriage as you mature, as marriage involves compromise and sacrifice often learned through the passage of years. But how do you know when you're changing too much, just to make marriage work, or to make it happen in the first place?
A couple of questions can help you clarify: Are you changing something you do, or something you are? Do you feel like you're generally meeting each other in the middle, or constantly going to the end -- his end -- of the earth?
On matters you care about that stand a chance of interfering with your relationship -- say an early-morning Saturday tennis game -- rate their importance to you on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being an issue that doesn't matter much and a 10 being something critical to your happiness, suggests Marion Solomon, PhD, a marriage and couples therapist in Los Angeles. "A 2 is one thing, but for a 10, stand your ground," Solomon says. "If he, or the relationship, is constantly demanding level 10s, you may lose yourself."
Solomon suggests other important questions to ask yourself in order to keep your sense of self:
Even when differences get resolved, do you still feel unresolved? You may be conceding too much, too soon.
If you don't get your way, do you at least feel heard? The important measure is not the win-loss tally; it's each person's ability to listen.
Do you avoid asserting yourself to avoid conflict? Healthy relationships accommodate conflict.
Marriage -- and getting ready to go there -- is an act of will, a challenge to change from soloist to partner. If, in the process, you change yourself into someone you like even better, that puts you in a great position to find someone who likes you just as much. Says Molloy: "If you wish to marry, love yourself first."